#and i'd not be surprised if it was the case because he's a big hurricane touchdown fan soooooooo...

[berrymoos]

🥭 ⏜ more regressor elle greenaway hcs!

➥ first batch here !! ⼃ tagging for team as family / team as caregivers , drunken regression [implied] , && padded agere

... if i had a nickel for every time i wrote something for elle instead of doing an essay due in 24 hours, i'd have 2 nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it's happened twice, right? /ref. ; she's on the mind like crazy i am so ellebrained it's not even funny anymore. not a single day goes by where i don't think abt her she's just. AUGHHAHDJSHDJSH I'M CWAZY BOUT HER !!!!

🥭 ⼃ sudden touches r a big big no-no !! doesn't matter if it's a tap to the shoulder or a surprise hug from behind, they're an unpleasant reminder of the fisher king & a surefire way to send her into fight or flight mode. tickle fights are the biggest no-no (and unfortunately derek has learned this the hard way). even then, she goes through these "phases" in which she either wants nothing more than to cuddle or she's completely & utterly touch-adverse. the team checks in on her status by tapping her hand : pleasant reaction, touch is okay, unpleasant reaction, touch is not okay

🥭 ⼃ lots of tantrums because she has a terrible habit of keeping her emotions under wraps when she's big ; baby ellie doesn't have the strength for it, so it all boils over at the simplest of things, much to her dismay. she'll lash out over spilled apple juice or over a lost crayon, all because she didn't decompress after a rough week at work. her tantrums are destructive, like a hurricane tearing through anything in its path : hitting when she feels cornered, screaming, eventually retreating like a frightened animal. in times like these, gideon & jj are best at settling her

🥭 ⼃ her disdain for the phone increases tenfold when she's little ; she'll put it on silent, hide it under her pillow, & completely forget about it unless she absolutely needs it (ex, spence is shopping & she wants a snack). if one goes off around her she will whine & pout & huff until it's dealt with. much prefers hands-on activities like doodling & playing outside—if screen time is something she falls into, it'll be whatever is on tv. she always flocks back to old shows of her childhood, but occasionally she'll branch out to newer things if the synopsis is interesting enough.

🥭 ⼃ she'd rather die than admit anything relating to her headspace while big—literally includes trivial stuff like the kind of snacks she eats or movies she's seen. vague answers like “i don't know, i watch whatever's on” n “food is food, man, i'm not picky” . the team has to do full-on case studies when she's little just to find out anything (　-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷄◞ω◟-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷅ )

🥭 ⼃ spencer's ramblings continue to be music to her ears ; she takes in everything he says with the biggest brown eyes in existence, blinking at him eagerly as he chatters on and on about the history of ... well, who really knows! she certainly doesn't, but it doesn't matter to her in the slightest. the only way to get her down for a nap is if spencer is talking to her—get him to read a book & she'll be out before he gets through the first page.

🥭 ⼃ code white is the team's code for "elle is regressed on the field & we need to get her out of here." it's a conflicting situation for her ; she appreciates how they're not judging an involuntary reaction, appreciates how they care enough to take action, but she wishes they didn't have to. it's bad enough the fisher king lingers in her mind, but now she has to deal with her brain getting mushy & weird as a result at work? kick her while she's down, why don't you (-、-)

🥭 ⼃ definitely regressed in the hotel room with spencer. she isn't sure if it was reliving the memory as she confides in spencer, the alcohol lowering her walls, or both, but it doesn't take too much poking & prodding for her to collapse into his arms, sniffling, crying over any and everything under the sun. she's not much of a crier—spencer knows—but it's very hard to get her to stop once the tears begin. in the very least, elle didn't fall asleep alone that night

🥭 ⼃ during the four months of recovery leave, elle's nightmares struck with a vengeance. of course, she's had them before—when her dad first died & after cases that really struck a nerve within her—but it's the first time she's ever gotten so close to death. yes, she's been shot at ; yes, she's been hurt on the job ; but never has she been violated in such a manner in the comfort of her own home. never has she been in a hospital bed, fighting for her life while their unsub is still roaming free. many nights, she awoke screaming, crying uncontrollably in the darkness of her own room, huddled in bed, unable to move because the shadows are too big and too scary and she's only little and– uh-oh. a humiliating puddle soaking into her bedsheets. the idea of ... protection is one she absolutely despised at first, but she realized washing bedsheets most of every night isn't very efficient. she only wears them at night ; humiliation keeps her from going any farther

🥭 ⼃ ... when she's too little to truly recognize or deeply comprehend much of anything, the padding is more of an embrace rather than a chain

🥭 ⼃ she literally does not allow anybody to change her, either. as much as she loves spencer, jj, gideon, derek ... it's too intimate for her. it crosses boundaries she can't bend or twist for anybody else. she'd rather struggle with the straps all by herself, frustrated tears pricking her eyes, than have somebody see her at her most vulnerable

🥭 ⼃ big hoodies to conceal the padding !! elle has tons of hoodies of her own, but she likes stealing borrowing derek's cus they're suuuper–duper big & suuuuper–duper comfy !!

🥭 ⼃ on that note, she kinda hates pants while tiny ?? she'd much rather go without them because it's a lot more freeing in her mind, which is why she loves big, baggy hoodies, shirts, & things of similar likeness

🥭 ⼃ penny & morgan spoil her rotten, but penny is the worse of the two. while derek will indulge her desires from time to time, penelope is physically unable to say no to such a cutiepie like elle no matter how many times derek has taught her how to stand her ground !! elle will run to her if she gets in trouble by hotch or if derek is being silly with her ; she knows penny is gonna stick up for her no matter what !!

🥭 ⼃ petunia (her stuffed lamb) & mr brownie (jj's stuffed teddy bear) are confirmed best friends. they attend every single sleepover elle & jj have, every single playdate known to man ... inseparable bestie 4eva !! (until petunia has to get washed cus elle played too rough in the mud n got her all dirty ... but that's another issue for another day!)

🥭 ⼃ very blunt no matter the headspace. she will tell it like it is, well–meaning or not. it often gets her a mildly chastising glance from hotch, but many more giggles from the rest of her friends. (“tha’s mean, ellie!” jj will whisper, nudging her side. “’m not lyin’ ; he’s a big dummy!” elle will huff back, unbothered as she continues to play with her toys.)

[assassin-artist]

Asking the same question on two fronts here. What did you think of the "I'm so lonely" speech they gave Conquest in the show and if she heard it at all, what does Eleanor think of it?

Not gonna answer the Eleanor half of this question right now bc I have another ask about it, and I'm compiling all the questions about the finale and that have comic spoilers in them to post in one big post (so I can hide the spoilers). So that'll be out eventually. I'll talk about my own thoughts on Conquest and his monologue though (:

Rambling below the cut as always. I talk about his personality from the comics, but I don't mention any story spoilers. Just a warning in case people want to avoid any mention of the comics at all.

First and foremost I'd like to say that I love Conquest (: I liked him a lot in the comics when he was just seen as purely a killing machine who didn't have any other facets to his character, so I was super surprised to watch the finale and see that they fleshed him out a lot more by going into his personality and inner thoughts. I loved the added characterization. The monologue was crazy, in a good way.

I think it's a fascinating change. Not only was his monologue new to me, but also the little heart bubble scene in space, too.

I've seen a few posts where people talked about a hypothetical Conquest reformation, or headcanons for if he had a human partner, and they always talk about how he would struggle to be gentle because he's so used to never holding back... but I actually have to strongly disagree on that. Largely in part to the blood heart in space scene. It was funny (especially how surprised/confused Mark was for it lmfao), but I also thought it was him 'proving' what he would later say about how he's capable of so much more. Such a big man with immense strength in his body the likes of which nobody on Earth will ever be able to achieve, with a metal arm that we don't know if he's capable of feeling through or not, but we see him being gentle and delicate enough to mold a freezing bubble into a specific shape. He uses both his flesh and blood hand and his metal prosthetic to do so, neither of which he seems to struggle with at all. He's just being a bit goofy and enjoying his time messing with Mark before he gets back into the fight, but it also shows that he has such an immense amount of discipline over his strength. Showing us that he's capable of holding back, of moving slowly and being gentle despite his reputation of being a hurricane or a killing machine. Sorry if I'm just reading way too into something that doesn't matter that much, I thought that scene was neat..

It's interesting to see that he only tells his true feelings of isolation and yearning for companionship to someone who he fully believes is going to be dead soon. He even leans down and whispers it in his ear to make extra sure nobody else could possibly hear it. Like he thinks the only time he can ever be honest about how miserable his life is, is when the person who knows of his secret won't live long enough to tell anyone else. We can see that Viltrumites are clearly very similar to humans in a lot of ways, both physically (despite significantly different strength and durability levels, they still have the same organs and body shape) but also mentally and emotionally. Viltrumites are capable of feeling the full range of emotions that we do as human beings, and it's fascinating that they prove this by showing us that even the seemingly heartless, sociopathic, bloodthirsty killing machine Conquest... actually has his own thoughts about his status as a weapon to be used. Negative thoughts, at that. He doesn't want to be just a tool that gets pointed at the Empire's enemies, with no regard to what he wants out of his own life. So much so that I think violence is the only way he really knows how to connect to others at this point, like all the conversations he has with Mark in the midst of their battle. Picking him back up when he falls, giving him encouragement - yes all of these are because he wants the fight to continue, but I think it's also because the fight is the only time he can 'act friendly' with someone.

I've always been more drawn to morally grey characters like Cecil, or to characters who fit the "made to be a living weapon" trope like Conquest. I love seeing how him being made into a weapon has affected him mentally and socially. Considering how Viltrumites age slower as they get older, with his appearance that means he's got to be, what, several thousand years old? I wonder how much of it was spent in isolation, both physically when he's away on jobs to other worlds where there's no one to speak to, and emotionally because even when he is back on his homeworld or on the Viltrumite warship with his own people, they still don't speak to or interact with him outside of giving him orders. His line of "they send me from planet to planet" made me think that he's always on missions, as if his people are in a hurry to get rid of him. Out of sight, out of mind and all that.

It's clear that Viltrumites are all raised in a harsh environment full of propaganda for their great Empire, and I'm sure any hint of disobedience is punished severely to squash it out of any other Viltrumite, too. Nolan mentions this with Cecil briefly when he says that they don't have "disobedient kids" on his homeworld (to which Cecil rightfully says it's a good thing Mark is more human than Viltrumite lol). This all leads me to believe that the idea of Conquest being something other than what he's been told to become - this mindless animal who lives only to kill and torment others - has genuinely never even crossed his mind. Why would he ever think about disobeying? Betraying the Empire? He doesn't give a shit about them, it's not like loyalty is what's driving him to stay - he just doesn't realize he could leave it. It's never registered in his mind as a possibility at all. It's all very tragic, I think.

I'm not the kind of person to disregard when a character does horrible things just because I like them, though. I just absolutely love it when you get to see why the character turned out the way they are, what drove them to be like that. In the comics we don't learn more about him or his motivations, he's just a mindless beast because it's what the story needed at the time. In the show, he's a mindless beast because it's the only thing he can be with the circumstances he's in. Something something, that one quote about how if a person is only ever treated like a monster, then they'll realize that a monster is the only thing they can be. I think that encapsulates Conquest's inner turmoil pretty well.

However, that isn't to say I think he's just some innocent old man who wants to knit sweaters and shit. Like I said, I try not to disregard when characters do terrible things - and we all know Conquest has done some horrifically evil deeds in the name of the Viltrum Empire. He clearly enjoys fighting and bloodlust, and although I believe that one of the main reasons he enjoys taunting his enemies so much is because it's one of the only times he gets to interact with others outside of being given a command, it's still obvious that he's a guy who likes the violence of it all. Which is why, at the end of the day, I think he's never going to get a reformation like Nolan is getting.

It's not because I think he's incapable of changing, or that he can't put his penchant for violence to better uses - it's just that I don't think the show would ever go in that direction with his character. Something about "out with the old, in with the new", and Conquest is very much 'the old' in this scenario.

Although I have a small bit of hope of being surprised with what they do with him, since they've already changed him quite a bit from his comics personality... I guess we'll find out eventually!

[sincelastsession]

I'm reading my new book.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

I was in a freeze state all night and day and slept about 2hrs. I'm planning on getting to bed soon.

This entire book is my parents. Of the 4 subtypes they are a combo of all 4.

The stories in the book much like AA stories almost in a way...they sorta pale in comparison to what I've experienced. I do understand this was written probably for cases a bit less intense than mine.

I was calm most of the day because my partner helped me calm down by "allowing" me to put on my sub collar, wear earplugs, and he picked reading for me. It was extremely helpful. He then had to go to a family gathering and I didn't think I'd talk to him again this evening but he sent me some pictures of the view of where they met up. It was a really sweet surprise that I didn't expect as I was looking at my book and trying to relax some muscles in my back that are locked despite the library of coping mechanisms I have.

I'm still swooning over the pictures he sent. He's not great at taking pictures and I generally hate surprises but this made me happy.

I've called my psychiatrist and left a message to see if they'd call me back. I don't know if they have something temporary till my parents can get me moved that might sedate me enough or perhaps temporarily raise my anxiety med dose. I originally took 4mg and was down to 3on the script but I generally only take 2mgs a day which is a starter dose for my weight. I'm also an ultra fast metabolizer (geneticist tested me, i have the MTHFR gene too and she suspecs more mutationsbut i won'tsee her till next spring) I've tried to explain to ppl before that I'm VERY careful about my meds because I have had to be on them longterm. My now deceased psychiatrist who was also a neurologist explained to me not long before he unexpectedly passed that my brain is on fire from the ptsd from abuse since infancy. It's possible to get me stable if I feel safe etc... and it would be damaging to try to take me off these meds.

You know I'm still grieving my doctor. He was like a father figure that was regulated emotionally and I miss my conversations with him and him telling my own father off. I'm using the weighted blanket he got me as a gift because he had ptsd from war and understood.

I'm crying about it right now too.

I wish my psychiatrist now wasn't so stoic.

I miss being told "we'd work it out, and that I'd be ok" he was really trying to help. He asked about me on his death bed. We were a lot alike. He told me as a patient because I was smart, "too smart" and "very self aware" and tried to help me figure out a safe way to avoid my father who he treated before, who would call his office to bitch about me and demand my meds get changed or would tell my doctor that I was schizophrenic. My dad is fixated on this diagnosis. He says I act psychotic but I wonder if he'd stop in his tracks if presented with a mirror. I'm not psychotic. I'm very dysregulated but lucky to be self aware enough to do what I can.

Basically my living situation is not good. My neighbors are um fucking terrible. My apartment sits upstairs around a big courtyard and pool. It amplifies noise big time for me. I hear the interstate and people talking and screaming and gunshots and children screaming which triggers my Katrina traumas and it's about to be hurricane season coming up and I can't deal. Also the balcony, how I get to my apartment...the beams are rotting and breaking and me and the quiet neighbor are concerned it's all gonna fall on one side and take out the rest.

This is the current picture of the beam but it's getting slowly worse and I'm like HELL NO

I need to bring some coffee to my old psychiatrist's grave. He got told to stop drinking it a year before he passed. I need to visit anyway and let some grief out.

I'm mad because I've gotten so frozen up I have trouble leaving my apartment unless I have a friend with me on the phone or in person.

I hate relying on ppl for support because I'm scared they will get tired of me just like everyone seems to eventually do.

Travis has been a good friend. I hope I'm not causing him trouble. I worry he still is extra nice even when he says he just wants to help.

I have trouble with accepting my partner loves me but he showed surprised me with beach pictures and a video of the waves and a family pet. If i was going by cbt id say that's a hell of a cognitive distortion but it's not completely invalid. If he didn't love me then this would be a horrible elaborate ruse which I often worry about. The man is a very private northerner. I forget about the stark difference in behavior and how freakedout he was when i explained wafflehouse waitresses vs northern diners.

Me and my partner had a really great conversation and I learned a lot about each other. He's really cute. I'm still giggling abt him being with his family and his whole family is busy with this event and he took pictures for me. He told ne about his first jobs. It was cute.

He's a better speaker than me but we still I think had a good conversation.

He told me to meet him at the red house and we both discovered we stalk at the same level. Like we both found the house on Google maps going of the name of the poster. Like I'm impressed. I didn't realize guys did this shit? Do they do this way more than i think? Ugh im disgustedly in love with him like some long distance quirky hipster movie ew. Idk I feel like I may be better at that because one of my hyperfixations is finding things because likely autistic urge to understand other people because you literally feel like you're just an alien (not literally) and idk whatever point is...this man and me got more in common than I ever thought like I can't even explain it's like one of those weird couple things, this is not the first occurrence of us going like OMG YOU DO THE STRANGE THING TOO? Because there's just no unique experiences apparently and no such thing and coincidences imo at this point.

Honestly why even do anything else about that right now. I got way the fuck more to work on. I've typed enough today anyway.

Ok I'm going to bed. I'll try not to go insane.